Human reproduction is not just about sex anymore.

Can sex ed get with the program?

The most thoughtful of sex education teachers and policy makers have come to understand sex ed as so much more than an explanation of our reproductive body parts and how they work to create a baby (and spread infection). We often show interlinking circles of sexuality, one of which is human reproduction, but others that include topics like love and intimacy, gender identity, sexual orientation, body image, boundaries and consent. We weave into these topics, conversations about how race, ethnicity, religion and exposure to media impact our sexual health decisions and outcomes. Complex, yes. But, life is complex - and so why not have an interesting, meaningful, realistic conversation?  

And yet, when we DO talk about the one circle of sexuality which is about body parts and how they work to make a human, we have kept the conversation extremely simple, narrow and out of date. I’d even call our instruction a lie of omission. Because of our never-ending and palpable anxiety over teen pregnancy, we continue to hammer the message that babies are a result of sex and sex is what results in babies. This makes for a pretty neat and tidy message, “If you don’t want to have a baby, don’t have sex.” But this is no longer adequate.

Advances in science and medicine enable us to make babies and create families in all sorts of different ways. Assisted reproduction refers to a variety of methods for creating or helping create a family. Egg and sperm cells can be frozen and used at a later time, or given to other people so they can make a baby. Donors give or sell their egg, sperm and embryos to other people. Surrogates are pregnant for and give birth to babies for someone else. Insemination and IVF are means of conception that enable those dealing with infertility, single-parents, and LGBTQAI (+) parents to conceive and create family. And yet, these concepts rarely ever enter the conversation about human reproduction and family formation. 

But, by ignoring the modern reproductive world around us; by not talking about it, we stigmatize many families who use reproductive technology, and therefore we fail all kids in so many ways.

Kids are growing up without the vocabulary to talk respectfully about families - their own families, the families of relatives, friends and classmates, and families they see on TV, in the movies and in the media. Imagine being a second grader, trying to fill out a family tree, and wondering if you should include your surrogate, and if so, where to put her. Imagine having two dads, and your best friend in middle school insists you have a mom because everyone has a mom, though you have never considered your surrogate to be your mother. Imagine being in high school sex ed class learning for the millionth time that penis-vagina sex makes a baby, when you know that your single mom used a sperm donor whose sperm, you just discovered the night before, created twenty-five other offspring. Without giving youth a basic understanding of how human reproduction truly works - in all its complexity, we are telling millions of kids that either their own story of origin doesn’t count, or that the origin stories of their relatives, friends and classmates isn’t worth understanding. 

By leaving assisted reproduction out of the human reproduction conversation, we also fail to expose LGBTQAI(+) youth to a potential future that might be important to them. If youth (any youth, really) knew that there were many acceptable, equitable ways to create family would that play into their current decision making around relationships? I’ve personally met and read enough essays by gay adults who ended up marrying and having children with their spouse, because they knew genetic offspring were important to them - but many years later, coming to accept their sexuality and divorcing. If they knew there were other options for having family, would they have made different decisions when they were young?

It’s time to nudge the conversation about human reproduction out of its comfort zone. Let’s start talking about all the ways we create family. By normalizing and equalizing every kids’ experience, we send a very clear message that each and every kid and family is equally valuable. Now that would be a great message.