The Burden and Joy of Explaining Donor Conception

Photo: Multnomah County Library

Educating the world about donor conception should not be the burden of the donor conceived. 

I am grateful to all of the donor conceived individuals who have shared their stories with me, for my upcoming book. From their poignant, honest, open narratives, I have learned over and over again, how the burden of explaining donor conception has fallen on their shoulders. From the time they were in kindergarten, not only did they have to tell their wide-eyed friends how babies are made, but they had to further explain why the whole process doesn’t really need a mommy and a daddy who love each other very much. Every time I heard a version of this experience, I kept thinking to myself ...wait. Why aren’t kids learning about how babies are made in school? Developmentally, this is a question they frequently ask, around age five or six. It’s been a long time, but that’s Kindergarten, right?

Then I quickly remember that although we live in a country where the majority of parents support sex education being taught in school, it is only mandated in some states. And in many of them, sex ed is not required to be age-appropriate, medically accurate, or culturally responsive. So what we have, really, is alot of crappy sex education going. This is largely because many vocal parents and caregivers are convinced that sex ed is about giving kindergarteners a how-to lesson on how-to have sex. I can assure you, no Kindergartener wants to know anything about adult sexual interactions. 

Sex education at that age is about healthy relationships, understanding different families, managing emotions and respecting differences. It isn’t even about how babies are made, which is what they actually do want to know. So, instead, the burden of that explanation lays on the kids themselves. If you are a parent or caregiver and haven’t had ‘the birds and the bees talk’ with your kid, is that who you want them to learn it from? Their fellow five year old school mates? 

Instead, imagine this. Imagine if your kid got an age-appropriate, medically accurate and culturally responsive explanation of how humans make humans. That’s probably better than what my kids got, and this is my professional passion! 

Then imagine on top of that excellent explanation, teachers were educated and comfortable on how to teach how ALL babies are made. Imagine if the explanation made room for curiosity and conversations about donors and surrogates, insemination and IVF. Wouldn’t that be spectacular?

So when one kid insists that another kid with a single mom has to have a dad, because everyone has a dad, the teacher could intervene in a positive and helpful way. Or so they knew how stigmatizing a rigid, nuclear-family tree is to a kid whose uncle is their sperm donor or their aunt is their surrogate. Or so when a kid raises their hand during show-and-tell and talks about meeting two dozen half siblings, the teacher instantly knows they are talking about donor siblings. 

If teachers were even marginally equipped with a basic understanding of insemination, IVF, egg, sperm and embryo donation and surrogacy, they would have tools necessary to create inclusive classrooms. Imagine how very heard, seen and valued each and every kid would feel. If that doesn’t translate into academic success, I don’t know what does.

Let’s let the donor conceived kids just be kids. And the teachers be the teachers.